It was the mailman's last day on the job
after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same
neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole
family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift
envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The
folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in
a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door
(which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where
she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
After he was sufficiently wasted, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a
giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup
of steaming coffee.As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out
from under the cup's bottom edge. " All this was just too wonderful for
words," he said, "but what's the dollar for? "
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him
what to give you."
He said, "Screw him - - - give him a dollar."
The blonde then blushed and said, "The breakfast was my idea."
A man escapes from a prison
where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for
money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the
homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband
whispers over to his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen
a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist,
don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he
nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill
us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!
"His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and
asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you, too.
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give
MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give more than
100%.
How about achieving 110%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:
If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26,
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And:
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%!
However,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%,
And,
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%!
So, one can conclude with mathematical
certainty that while Hard work
and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you
there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top!
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of
Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man
can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and
masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or
menopausal, she tends to prefer a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a
bat jammed up his arse while he is on fire.
Note: Further studies in this area have been
cancelled.
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he
wanted to marry her right away.
She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go
along.
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very
nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed
up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the
water perfectly, almost without a ripple.? This was followed by a three
rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the
water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.? She
said, 'That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving
champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went
along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so
fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be
gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in
freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in
mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing
hard.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance
swimmer?"
"No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Saskatoon
and I worked both sides of the river."
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