We make honey out of dogshit. Some conditions may apply.
It was the mailman's last day on the job
after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole
family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift
envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The
folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in
a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door
(which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where
she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
After he was sufficiently wasted, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a
giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup
of steaming coffee.As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out
from under the cup's bottom edge. " All this was just too wonderful for
words," he said, "but what's the dollar for? "
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him
what to give you."
He said, "Screw him - - - give him a dollar."
The blonde then blushed and said, "The breakfast was my idea."
A man escapes from a prison
where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for
money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the
homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband
whispers over to his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen
a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist,
don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he
nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill
us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!
"His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and
asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you, too.
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give
MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give more than
How about achieving 110%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26,
So, one can conclude with mathematical
certainty that while Hard work
and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you
there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top!
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of
Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man
can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and
However, if she is menstruating, or
menopausal, she tends to prefer a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a
bat jammed up his arse while he is on fire.
Note: Further studies in this area have been
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he
wanted to marry her right away.
She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed
up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the
water perfectly, almost without a ripple.? This was followed by a three
rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the
water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.? She
said, 'That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving
champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so
fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be
gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in
freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in
mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance
"No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Saskatoon
and I worked both sides of the river."
Question #1: When a school bus with flashing red lights has stopped on the road ahead of you, you must:
A). Floor it. B). Stop until the lights stop flashing C). Immediately put your car in reverse.
Question #2: When you hear the siren or see the red emergency light of a closely approaching ambulance, police vehicle, or fire truck, you must:
A).Drive to the right edge of the road and stop. B).Slam on the brakes and turn the steering wheel HARD to the left. C).Make a U-Turn to get out of the way.
Question #3: If you are arrested for drunk driving and refuse to submit to a chemical test of the alcohol content of your blood:
A).Your driving previlege will be withdrawn. B).The policeman will buy you a drink. C).Someone else can take the test for you.
Question #4: What is a general rule for passenger vehicles regarding blind spots for large trucks and buses?
A).If you can't see the vehicle's mirrors, you can be sure that the truck or bus driver can't see you. B).Honk your horn continuously when near all trucks. C).Pass the truck then slam on your brakes so he can see you.
Question #5: Orange colored signs and flags can mean be alert for:
A).Changed road conditions. B).McDonald's or Burger King are nearby C).Areas where you can drive as fast as you want.
Question #6: You may not "double park":
A).At any time. B).Except when there are no other convenient parking spaces. C).Unless you've been drinking and are carrying a gun.
Question #7: If a traffic light is red, but a police officer or firefighter on duty tells you to go ahead, you should:
A).Get out of your car and threaten the officer. B).Do as he or she tells you. C).Turn around and go home.
Question #8: When stopping for any reason along a highway, other than as required by traffic, you should stop:
A).In the fast lane. B).Sideways in traffic so people can see you. C).Off the pavement.
Question #9: If you are involved in a collision:
A).Notify the local law enforcement agency or CHP if anyone is injured or killed. B).If your car is driveable, hit more cars so everyone will stop. C).Get out of your car and start a fight with the other driver.
Question #10: You have a restriction on your license that states "must wear corrective lenses." You lost your glasses the day before. What should you do?
A).Drive with your eyes closed. It won't make any difference. B).Do not drive until your glasses are replaced. C).Wear non-prescription sunglasses so you still look good.
Question #11: Looking ahead while driving means that you should:
A). Read a newspaper so you'll know the weather forecast. B). Look at your head in the rear-view mirrors. C). Scan (keep your eyes moving).
Question #12: Should you signal when you don't see any vehicles around?
A).Yes, a vehicle you don't see might hit you. B).NEVER use a turn signal. Nobody else does anyway. C).Yes, but signal the OPPOSITE direction you intend to turn just for fun.
Question #13: Blocking an intersection during "rush hour" traffic is:
A).Way cool dude! Watch the pileup! B).Okay if you're driving a BMW. C).Never permitted.
Question #14: The maximum legal blood alcohol concentration (BAC) level for persons age 18 or older is:
A).Eight hundred percent. B).Three Margaritas and a six-pack. C).Eight hundredths (0.08) of one percent.
Question #15: When you come to a corner where there is a flashing yellow light, you must:
A).Floor it to get through quickly. B).Wait for the green light as long as it takes. C).Slow down and cross carefully.
Question #16: When you follow too closely and another driver cuts suddenly in front of you, what is the best thing to do?
A).Extend the middle finger of your right hand and display it to the other driver. B).Catch up to the son-of-a-bitch and run his BMW off the road. C).Take your foot off the gas pedal.
Question #17: Which of the following could best contribute to impoved traffic flow?
A).Provide free drinks every mile. B).Public transportation. C). Abolish women drivers.
Question #18: You must always look carefully for motorcycles before you change lanes or make a left turn because they:
A).Make their own rules. B).Are hard to see. C).Might want to suddenly back up.
Question #19: Carpool lanes are marked with a diamond symbol. To use these lanes during the special hours shown on the signs, you must:
A).Drive real fast while in the carpool lane. B).Drive with your arms and legs out of the window. C).Have the minimum number of passengers shown on the signs.
Question #20: A flashing red traffic light at an intersection means that you must:
A).Floor it. B).Stop before entering. C).Turn around and go home.
Submit pictures of your vehicle to display on our site or contact usthrough e-mail anytime or by phone between noon and 6pm CST at 403.277.0505 with any questions you may have.